Better Safe Than Sorry
by Galad Estel
Summary: If only Gandalf had been a little wiser the Lord of the Rings would never have had to be written. Gandalf and Bilbo-centric humor fic.


**_Disclaimer: I do not own any of Tolkien's awesome characters. Wow, people own characters, that's kind of sad...it's like slavery. I am going off track in a disclaimer! Ah, something must be wrong with me._**

_**AN: So, I've been rereading the Lord of the Rings, and apparently Gandalf wondered from the beginning whether Bilbo's ring might be the One Ring, but let his self doubt, his fear of Sauron, and Saruman's words on the matter keep him from taking action. So this humor fic sets out to tell the story of how things might have been if Gandalf were a bit more confidant, wiser and braver. It's not really meant to be taken seriously but I thought it was an interesting should just be glad Gandalf does have some flaws otherwise, well, The Lord of the Rings would never have been written -Galad Estel**_

Bilbo was packing his bags to go home. The war was over, the dragon slain. Everything looked like it was coming close to normal. Which was good because the hobbit was getting pretty darn tired of adventures, and all they entailed. Bad food; lousy bedding; grumpy dwarves; cranky wizard; Trolls; near enslavement; dark, dank hole; riddling Killer; nearly Burned; being forgotten; weird were-bear; scary forest; Giant Spiders; nasty elves; nearly Drowned; Dragon; war stopping; battle plans; called a traitor; called a Rat; a battle of five armies…It was making his head spin just thinking about it. It was so strange that that had all happened to him in one year. It was more than had happened to him in his whole life before he had made the mistake of inviting a wizard to tea, so he was relieved that the nauseating excitement was now past.

Of course, he was sad that Thorin had died, but it was bound to have happened some time. After all, the guy was a tragic hero, brought down by his own greed. His fate was depressing but understandable. Besides he was old man anyway, and Thorin would probably have thought it more honorable to die in battle then in bed, something that Bilbo could not pretend to agree with. He'd take feather pillows over armor any day. He smiled as he packed up his mithril shirt. It was not likely he'd need that again.

The surviving dwarves were running around the place, setting their kingdom back up, getting everything organized. Bilbo had no inclination to stay around and be in the way.

So, draping his cloak over his shoulder and fastening Sting to his belt, he set off home…

"Wait a minute!"

Bilbo whirled to find Gandalf standing there, staff in hand.

"Pardon?" Bilbo said.

"Where are you sneaking off to?" Gandalf asked, prodding him with his staff.

"I'm going home," Bilbo said, "the adventure is over. I was only contracted for one, and though I assure you it has been a real pleasure doing business with you, I gathered from the beginning that this one time thing. I'm not complaining about the pay or anything. It's more than ample. It's just I'm not cut out for this sort of lifestyle…"

"Your actions prove you wrong," Gandalf said with a smile, "but there is some business that still needs attending too. It's about your Ring."

"What ring? I haven't got a Ring…"

"This Ring!" Gandalf said. He moved like a flash and picked a small gold band out of Bilbo's pocket.

"Oh, um, that ring…" Bilbo said shuffling his feet, "what…what about it?"

"You know I think it's very odd to me," Gandalf said, "that you lied to your companions about this thing…it's in your nature to be honest…it seems to have some sort of affect on you…"

"Well, it's certainly made me braver and more daring," Bilbo said with a smile. He reached for the ring.

"Not so fast," Gandalf said, "I have suspicions about this Ring…"

"Well, would you mind keeping them to yourself?" Bilbo sulked, "I am very happy with the Ring. It helped me defeat the spiders and break my friends out of prison and got me past that dragon too."

"Hmm, that is odd," Gandalf said, "that the Ring would work against the forces of evil. Maybe Sauron likes you? Ah, that theory doesn't work. He hasn't taken a shine to anyone, since his old boss Morgoth got booted off to the Void. Hmmm, well, maybe I'm wrong. Saruman did say the Ring had been taken by the Anduin and had floated out to sea…"

"I didn't realize that a ring could float," Bilbo said.

"Well, it is a magic Ring."

"So, is this one," Bilbo said, "why don't we see if _it_ can?"

"That's brilliant!" Gandalf said, 'Fetch me a pail of water."

Bilbo filled an old pail with water from a nearby mountain stream, and Gandalf dropped the ring in. It sank!

"Well," Gandalf said, "I think this calls for further investigation. Off to Gondor, the old home of Isildur!"

Gandalf seized Bilbo round the middle and threw him on the horse, leaping up beside him.

"Whoa, whoa," Bilbo shouted, "what are we doing? I thought I was going home!"

"You are…just in a round about way."

"And this is very important?" Bilbo asked tiredly.

"Well, it could be nothing, but better be safe than sorry, eh?"

"So, why are we charging through a forest at break neck speed?"

"Don't worry. I'm a wizard. I can handle this."

Bilbo sighed. He had a horrible feeling that this was another adventure.

A few days later, they arrived in Gondor. Gandalf grabbed Bilbo, and before they even got a welcome and a bite to eat, he had dragged him along to the library. A few, long hours later, Gandalf let out a triumphant cry.

"Bilbo," he said, "does your ring have a stone?"

"No,' Bilbo said, "it's just a plain gold ring."

"Ah, ha! And here it says, that all the other rings but the One had stones…"

"Um, Gandalf, are you quite, all right?" Bilbo asked, "I have seen plenty of rings without stones."

"I meant of the Great Rings," Gandalf snapped, "but what if…what if…the stone has just fallen off…I need further proof. Ah! Is there any writing on your ring?"

"Um, no."

Gandalf grabbed it and threw it in the fire.

"What are you doing?" Bilbo cried.

"Ah, fire letters," Gandalf said, "if the ring has fire letters than we'll know this is the One Ring…"

"Gandalf," Bilbo said, "I hate to say this, but you're acting a little batty right now. I mean, there is more than one ring out there…"

"Hey," Gandalf said, "that's a thought. What if Sauron made a duplicate Ring, which looked just like the original…"

"Gandalf? Are you sure you're all right? I think you should sit down. Maybe eat something?"

"It does have fire letters! But now, I don't know. Maybe I should wait for the Necromancer to rise again, then he might go out looking for it, and we'd know for sure if this was the real deal or not, but no. That just wouldn't be prudent."

"This is the Necromancer's ring?" Bilbo asked confused.

"Yes."

"Oh, so that's why it's magical…but how did it wind up with Gollum?"

"That is a long, long story, and one I do not know. Come on!" Gandalf took Bilbo's hand and started tugging him on behind him again.

"Where are we going now?" Bilbo moaned.

"Oh, we're just going to make a small stop at Mordor. It's right next-door. Then you can go home, but first haven't you always wanted to see a real live volcano?"

"Ah, no…!" Bilbo cried, as he was again thrown up onto the horse.

"Tsk, tsk," Gandalf said, "Where is your sense of adventure?"

Bilbo was about to protest, when the horse went charging forward towards the dark land. Soon they had arrived in Mordor, and as Sauron had just arrived himself, weak, broken, and sick, he had forgotten to close the gates. Leaving the trembling horse behind, Gandalf set out on foot, a confused Bilbo in tow. They reached the mountain, and Gandalf, feeling sorry for the tired hobbit, gave him a piggyback ride up the slope. Finally they made it to the cracks of doom.

"Well, that was surprisingly easy," Gandalf said, looking around as if he excepted ninjas or nazguls to jump out of nowhere.

"It's hot in here," Bilbo said, removing his jacket and vest.

"A regular sauna," Gandalf said with a smile, and then his face turned grave, " now here's what I want you to do. Walk carefully towards the edge and drop the Ring in."

"Why?" Bilbo asked.

"Because it's an evil weapon of the enemy."

"I don't think so. It's only…"

"Drop it or I'll throw you in with it," Gandalf snarled, growing suddenly taller, his dark eyes burning like coals.

Trembling all over, Bilbo obeyed, watching tearfully as his ring fell from his hand to the boiling lava below.

Gandalf pulled him away from the edge and breathed a deep sigh of relief. "I'm sorry for threatening you like that, old chap. It's just something that had to be done."

"I'll never see my lucky ring again," Bilbo said. He started sobbing.

"There, there," Gandalf said, "it's not all that bad…I mean at least all evil has been destroyed from the earth, and you'll never have to go on any adventures again…"

Bilbo perked up a bit at this. "You mean I get to go home?"

"Yes, certainly…"

There was a small plunk, and then a much louder roar as the volcano burst into life.

"Quick!" Gandalf said, "this way!"

He dragged Bilbo out of the chamber and down the mountainside.

"The eagles! We're saved!" Gandalf cried. An eagle came circling down and snatched Gandalf up. Bilbo had just enough time to grab onto Gandalf's legs before the eagle was airborne. Gandalf's robes flapped mercilessly in his ear.

"Not this again," Bilbo moaned, wondering why he was always forgotten. Fortunately, the eagle dropped them off in Gondor, and though no one believed their tale of the destruction of all evil, there was still plenty of good food and wine to go around, and afterwards Bilbo got to go home.

_Finis._


End file.
